My Bathroom Trip Was Really Rough

My bathroom trip was really rough
It brought on an anxiety attack
And it emptied me completely out
And when it was all over
I went into the kitchen and
On my smartphone I searched for
Side effects of overdosing on painkillers
I wanted my pain to end
And ‘cause of probable liver damage
I decided to try eating instead
It took me a few hours
To eat even a wee bit
And after I headed off for
Needed sleep on my foam mattress
On the floor in my room
It was the result of having
A j-pouch created due to my
Colon being removed to save me
From ulcerative colitis induced toxic megacolon

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My GI Tract Is Wack

My GI tract is wack
But it be more wack
If I didn’t watch the
Things I eat and drink
This knowledge it doesn’t help
Me to feel any better
When I go number 2
And it drains me completely
I feel I’d rather be
Less aware of my body
If I could go disassociate
My mind from my body
Then I’d’ve less body dysphoria
And it be way essayer
To be a spontaneous person

Due To Feeling Oh So Very Unsafe

Due to feeling oh so very unsafe
I went though a testosterone driven puberty
So now even if I wanted to
I can’t ever pass or blend in
I instead stand out everywhere I go
Meaning my transgenderness isn’t mine to reveal
It’s always visible for everyone to see

But if I’d felt safe enough then
My first puberty would’ve been estrogen driven
And now if I wanted I could
Go choose to pass and blend in
And wouldn’t stand out everywhere I go
Meaning my transgenderness be mine to reveal
Not always visible for everyone to see

Oh What Should Have I Done

Having kids ain’t in my future
‘Cause I let that ability go
So I’d have more congruence and
Now I love my body more
But also feel bad that I’m
Now just a genetic dead end
But what could have I done
Other then me becoming monetarily rich
Becoming monetarily rich was always really
So very out of my reach
Oh what could have I done
Oh what should have I done

Can’t Go Back To Seven

Can’t go back to seven and
Tell my parents and bother that
I think I’m not a boy

Can’t go back to teenagehood and
Tell my brother’s friend your dream
It’s spot on about my gender

But I can deal with regrets
Go attempt being a happy woman
One with a life worth living

My Journey

Wanna look in my mirror and
See the best of true me
Being reflected in the image that
Is being reflected back at me
That would be so damn sweet
Would be so truly damn sweet

But I gotta keep telling myself
It’s more of a journey then
It ever will be a race
It’ll never ever be a race
‘Cause it’s a long slow crawl
It’s quite a long slow crawl

May never get to a place
One that I can with truth
Say is my destination finally reached
But then there’s my journey and
It’s the best and worst thing
That I’ll ever get to do

I Need You Coming Around

(I Need You Coming Around is simultaneously about a transgender person outwardly manifesting their true self & about them becoming a reflection of God.)

I need you coming around
In my head and heart
You’ve been there all along
But in how I move
I need them to see
You shining so very bright
But it’ll take some time
To make you become visible
Gotta make you become visible
Or I’ll go slip away

I’m Her And She’s Me

Still trying to put together
A relatable image that I
Can see in the mirror
And be comfortable enough to
Go take out and about
But letting people see what
I’ve got it just reminds
Me how far I’ve still
To go to get her
On to my own face

I’m her and she’s me
A person stained by testosterone
Some of what it did
Well it can be undone
But the rest it’s permanent
And my biggest scar
What I’ve got it reminds
Me how far I’ve still
To go to get her
On to my own face

My Replacement Hormones

You’re keeping my anxiety at bay
By making my mood fairly stable
You’re pushing my dark thoughts aside

If only I could get you
To move past bringing me stability
And to bringing me near euphoria

Then I’d be closer to more congruence
As well as to needed healing
And I’m really needing some healing

Announcing, “Feel The Slowness Volume Two”!

I am taking a little pause from posting my poetry so I can bring you an announcement. I am proud to announce that my fifth soundscape album called “Feel The Slowness Volume Two” has dropped via my Bandcamp microsite (https://kirajosiemurphyartist.bandcamp.com/album/feel-the-slowness-volume-two).

And Feel The Slowness Volume Two, an audio album made up of 9 individual soundscapes, is my second volume of soundscapes that aim to get the listener to feel the quality or state that being slow can bring about, hence slowness. It should be mentioned that it is best if these soundscapes are not listened to while operating any power tools, heavy equipment, or wile driving any kind of motorized vehicle as they have been created with the hopes of deeply absorbing the listener and most likely will just leave them in a very slow sate.