Category Archives: serious poems

But Eventually I Will Get To Where I Needa Be

I see and feel my physical body changing every day
But some days it seems it is not fast enough
And that still my first puberty it is too visible
But then I notice how my clothes now fit differently
And for a moment I no longer feel so bad

But eventually I will get to where I needa be
And it will take lots and lots of my energy
And yes it will bring me down along the way
But it will also along the way lift me up
And make me feel so much better about being myself

I notice the thoughts in my head changing every day
But some days it seems they are not fast enough
And that still I worry about things like being bullied
But then I realize those are thing from my past
And for a moment I no longer feel so bad

But eventually I will get to where I needa be
And it will take lots and lots of my energy
And yes it will bring me down along the way
But it will also along the way lift me up
And make me feel so much better about being myself

I notice the thoughts in my head changing every day
But some days it seems they are not fast enough
And that still I worry about things like my j-pouch
And I realize that they are not in my past
And for a moment again I do go feel bad

But eventually I will get to where I needa be
And it will take lots and lots of my energy
And yes it will bring me down along the way
But it will also along the way lift me up
And make me feel so much better about being myself

Me Receiving Ample Congruence (Between Mind And Body)

I get all sad and I do cry
When I think of the parts of me
That I can not ever get given back
And the parts I will never be able
Able to grow or have made for me
And it is no longer about having completeness
It is now about me receiving ample congruence
Me receiving ample congruence between mind and body

I Won’t Even Notice What Is Now Down There

They are going to give me
That chance to never again feel
That distress that I get when
I go put on my underwear
It makes me want to adjust
In hopes of making it disappear

They are going to reshape it
So I can begin to feel
No more distress when I go
I go put on my underwear
It will make me not even
Notice what is now down there

They are going to reshape it
Which will greatly help me continue
The process of being comfortable with
My physical form and with others and
When in unfamiliar group settings without
Noticing what is now down there

They are going to give me
That chance to never again feel
That distress that I get when
I go put on my underwear
It makes me want to adjust
In hopes of making it disappear

They are going to reshape it
So I can begin to feel
No more distress when I go
I go put on my underwear
It will make me not even
Notice what is now down there

They are going to reshape it
Which will greatly help me continue
The process of being comfortable with
My physical form and more congruent
With my mind’s thoughts which won’t
Notice what is now down there

I Won’t even notice what is now down there

(I’m Much More) Proud of The Person I’m Becoming

As a kid
I never prayed to God to let me wakeup as a girl
But I would’ve if my church had been more ok with Him

As a youth
I never ever tried to came out and say that I’m transgender
But I would’ve if my school had been more ok with differences

As a YA
I finally broke down and came out and said that I’m transgender
‘Cause if I hadn’t I would’ve gone and wasted away by now

I’m still here
‘Cause I’ve taken and am still taking steppes to be more myself
Taking hormones, changing the way I dress, being a better self advocate

And finally I’m
Every day getting so much more proud of the person I’m becoming
I’m much more proud of the person I’m becoming, person I’m becoming

(And That’s Why) I Never Lived As A Girl

If I could’ve been that little girl I was
At home, at school, and at church then what…
What would’ve my life been like, life been like
Would I’ve been more confident, happy, and more authentic
Would I’ve been more authentic, more truly authentically me
And would people have liked me more ‘cause I…
‘Cause I liked myself oh so very much more
Very much more then having to be a boy
I hated being a boy but I hated being…
I hated being bullied at school so much more
And that’s why I never lived as a girl

My Gender It’s Female

In my new city
I don’t even know
Where the village is
Where the village is

‘Cause in the village
People think gender it’s
All just very preformative
But it’s rather biological

And I don’t even
Wanna ever know where
The village is located
The village is located

‘Cause in the village
People think gender it’s
All a social construct
But it’s rather biological

I’ve know since 7
For sure I’m not
I’m not a boy
I’m not a boy

But if gender was
Actually just very preformative
Then I’d be male
Then I’d be male

I’ve known since 14
For sure I’m definitely
I’m definitely a girl
I’m definitely a girl

But if gender was
Actually a social construct
Then I’d be male
Then I’d be male

But my body including
My mind it’s always
Been telling me that
My gender is female

So at least for
For me my gender
My gender it’s female
My gender it’s female

Soon I Will Undergo A Vulvoplasty

I was to have a vaginoplasty
It would have turned my penis
Into my own vulva and vagina
But thanks to five past surgeries
Which left me with no colon
And small intestine with a j-pouch

I can only have a vulvoplasty
Which can only turn my penis
Into my vary own vulva which
Can not ever bring me completeness
But instead it will bring me
Bring me feelings of gender congruence

Ulcerative colitis was the reason for
My five past surgeries weren’t cosmetic
In fact they saved my life
If not for them I wouldn’t
Be able to have my penis
Even turned into my own vulva

Soon I will undergo a vulvoplasty

That Woman She Is Authentically Me

I’m afraid people will see my
Face and how it gives away
The fact I’m not woman enough

I’m afraid people will see my
Breasts and how they give away
The fact I’m not woman enough

I’m afraid people will hear my
Voice and how it gives away
The fact I’m not woman enough

I’m afraid people will fixate on
My shoulders and how they reveal
The fact I’m not woman enough

But truth is lots of people
They see me as the woman
I’m becoming and meant to be

Every single day I’m becoming more
The woman I’m meant to be
And that woman is authentically me

That woman she is authentically me

I’m More Like The Other Girls

In junior kindergarten I played like
I played like the other girls
Feeding, holding, and rocking a doll
Still unaware that I’d someday soon
Be wishing I’d the needed courage
To say I’m more like them
And I’m less like the boys
‘Cause they’d tell me boys don’t
Play with dolls and the like

In late elementary school I watched
The other girls on the playground
Wishing I’d the needed courage to
Say I’m more like them and
That I’m less like the boys
Yes I should’ve been playing skipping
Instead of playing touch football and
At times walking around all alone
With just my walkman for company

In high school I did watch
I watched the other girls talking
About their changing bodies, futures and
Wishing I’d the needed courage to
Say I’m more like them and
That I’m less like the boys
And that I should be playing
Soccer on the girls team instead
Of being on the boys team

If the needed courage had come
From inside me I’d have developed
More like the other girls and
Not so much like the boys and
My life would be easier and
Not as hard as its been

In junior kindergarten I played like
I played like the other girls
Feeding, holding, and rocking a doll

Pooing (For Me It Is Now A Whole Different Experience)

Since my colon was removed, due to ulcerative colitis and
A j-pouch was formed from part of my small intestine
Pooing, for me it is now a whole different experience
One that takes longer then for colon owners, and that
Leaves me exhausted and hungry, and with body dysphoria that
I shove inside me so I can get to tomorrow
Yes an experience that I wish upon no one ever
Since my colon was removed, due to ulcerative colitis and
A j-pouch was formed from part of my small intestine
Pooing, for me it is now a whole different experience